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"If your brother
sins against you..." It
seems that whenever we grow in our inner self, that growth comes One of the most difficult things for me to do is to speak directly and honestly with someone who has done something that has caused me pain. But carrying it around inside, sometimes in the form of anger, diminishes me and puts a wall between me and the person. A number of parishioners over the years have confided in me that they carry with them anger about pain caused them by a parent. Sometimes the parent is already deceased, but the emotional drain and feelings of powerlessness live on. Sometimes the parent is still alive but the person has never mentioned it to them. I went for fifty years without ever sharing some strong feelings with my mother, Alice. Finally, on a visit to her home in Florida, I exploded with some of what I had been suppressing all those years. Needless to say, it was quite an eruption. But it was only some of what I needed to say. Only after my mother’s death in 1987, in therapy, did I deal with all kinds of feelings that had been a darkness in me for half a century. This morning’s Gospel reading, based on an ancient Jewish practice for dealing with conflict, addresses this human phenomenon – our fear of telling the truth to someone who is important to us (obviously, if they were not important to us, what they say and do wouldn't go so deep). The text suggests that if someone has done us harm we should go talk to them. Of course, we need to be intentional about the spirit in which we do it. As St. Paul says, "speak the Truth in love." Another caution is that this kind of process be carried out with the utmost humility and self-searching, that we be careful before we decide that someone else needs to hear from us about what they have done. It is a fact that we all are imperfect and often have no justification for finding someone else at fault. Or, as Luke and Matthew both say, elsewhere, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" This kind
of Truth-telling, going to the person and telling him or her of our pain
and our perception of their part in it, has as its underlying agenda a
yearning for reconciliation. Reconciliation is the focus. The responsibility
for initiating the process of reconciliation falls in the lap of the offended If I do NOT
tell you that you have hurt me, then I prevent you from: Now we need to put this scripture reading in context: First with regard to the three steps outlined, the reading says that we should go talk to the person and tell them the truth as we see it, about their words or actions that have caused us pain. The text goes on to say that if our private approach fails, then we should "take one or two others along with us, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses." And if that fails, to "tell it to the church"; which I assume means all the folks in that immediate community, community of faith, or community of family, whatever community the two are part of. I have never
before, to my knowledge, preached about this Gospel because I have a problem
with steps two and three: to take others to witness my version of truth-telling,
and perhaps to witness my brother’s defensive words in response,
is to me a step that will surely increase the chance of The other
clarification is that we need to put the harshness of this teaching in
perspective. By harshness I refer mainly to verse 17:"if the offender
refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile
and a tax collector," which is to say the person’s relationship
from the First, remember
that Jesus spent a lot of time with Gentiles and tax collectors; in fact,
He loved them. Secondly, consider the placement of this teaching: just
prior to it in Matthew’s Gospel we read that God never gives up on
a lost sheep; in fact, God goes after the one sheep and leaves the 99 And this morning’s text is followed immediately by Jesus being asked if his followers should forgive others seven times before they give up on the person, and he answers, "seventy times 7." The final word here may be never lose hope for reconciliation, and never be surprised who may respond. So we see that God is not, under any circumstances, going to ever give up on us. Now let’s face the fact that to address a disagreement directly can be a very hard thing to do or to get someone else to do for themselves. It is so difficult, yet it is so much more powerful than going through a third person. It has a much greater chance of succeeding, and it holds the strong potential of turning a lemon into lemonade – that is, two people who bare their souls to the extent that reconciliation is born out of strife, may very well go on to be friends. The fact
is, however, that it is difficult and often intimidating and most of us
shy away from it. But we may tell others about how we feel. And thus is
born something else, known in the therapy world as "triangulation,"
in which a third party and perhaps more become involved. I don’t
have to tell Being a proponent of many psychological guidelines for healthy living and relationships, I cannot help but point out that speaking directly to the one who has hurt you is clearly the teaching of Jesus, as recounted in this morning’s text. It may be that Carl Jung, or whatever analyst came up with this, appropriated it from St. Matthew!
Let me share
with you two stories of people who dared to do this very healthy thing:
One day a parishioner asked to speak to me, and after we had found a time
to meet, they said something like this: "I don’t know what I
have done or said or what you think of me, but I have the distinct The other
story is about a parishioner who wanted the Church to take a certain course
of action, which we were unable to do at this time. I had been the person
they dealt with in the matter. After they learned of our decision, the
person called and left a message for me, saying that their Although the power of that experience for me is the obvious agenda of this person to "do no harm" and to build up community, it is also an example of what Jesus says in this morning’s reading. They came directly to the one who had delivered the message that at first hurt them. These are but two of the many, many success stories in healthy and caring communication that take place in this faith community daily. I think most of us who have learned to do it have learned by doing it the wrong way so many times that we had to learn! May we go on learning, as, as we do, may we also go on deepening relationships in love and trust. Amen. Copyright 1999 Calvary Episcopal Church. Gospel:
Matthew 18:15-20
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